Los Lonely Boys
If you read my previous entry, the cleverly titled, Be a Man, you’d recall that one of the main things that adult men are forced to battle is their own feelings. For one reason or another, society decided that men must be tight lipped and stone faced whenever the subject of emotion is introduced. Well, since we got that out of the way, we can finally move forward. Soldier on, men; It’s okay to be insecure, afraid, or even sad. With a wave of my caffeine-fueled hand, I grant you permission to feel.
Many men follow the traditional pattern of “settling down” at a certain point in their lives. They finally kiss bachelorhood goodbye and start a life with someone, promising their complete attention and energy to one person. This is a moment that unfolds differently from man to man, as some guys are understandably hesitant to trade in “Boys Night” for “A Night In”, while other men have been severely tainted by the dating scene and therefore cannot wait to stop buying unnecessarily expensive clothing and cocktails in hopes of “meeting the right person.” It’s a true “grass is greener” situation, as single guys seem jealous of those in relationships and vice versa.
A serious reality of settling into a serious relationship, whether it’s exclusivity to one person by title of “boyfriend”, “husband”, or “father”—is the sobering truth that you will sooner or later experience bouts of crippling loneliness. “Loneliness?” You might ask. “Isn’t being in a relationship supposed to cure such a disease?” Well, yes and no. While you will certainly feel fulfilled in the romantic sense by having someone who truly loves you and is (hopefully) attracted to you to the point of where you feel good about yourself, you will also have days where you miss your previous life. You might saunter by the closet and see that old lime green button down shirt that you wore to the clubs and let out a sad exhale. Whether you want to admit it or not, you are going to miss that guy from time to time. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your significant other or are secretly plotting out an affair, it just means that your single life wasn’t horrible. In fact, it was likely pretty liberating getting to do whatever you want whenever you wanted it, and the element that made those times so fun was the time you spent with your friends.
“We Should Totally Do This More Often!”
When I say “friends”, I mean the friends you had before you met your S.O. The guys or girls who were there for you when things were tough. The ones that you chose to assist you in having a good time when you weren’t tied down. Yes, with new relationships come new friends through osmosis, but nothing will ever be able to replace the bond you have with those that you grew up with, went to school with, or worked a crappy job with. That is why, if we do decide to walk down the aisle, we choose those guys to be our groomsmen. Sure, we might have to fit in a future brother-in-law to the lineup just to make our S.O. happy, but the starting three, four, or five will always be reserved for the elite comrades.
Settling down means calming down, to a certain degree. When you live with your S.O., they (hopefully) become the person of which you spend most of your time. They are your roommate, shoulder to cry on, and sound board—three essential jobs that were occupied by your best friends in your previous life. As more time passes and you become closer to your S.O., those friends seem like they have less to do, which makes them naturally distant. Hanging out with them is no longer an absolute that occurs with a single text, but a monthly (if you’re lucky) special occasion where it seems like you had to scramble to come up with a reason to hang out with them. “Oh, well Josh got a new pair of socks, so we’re all gonna meet for lunch for no more than one hour so he can show them off. We need to see multiple sneaker and sandal combinations, as well.” At the end of the sock showcase luncheon, you all make sworn promises to each other that you’re going to make more of an effort to make this more of a common occurrence, but it almost never happens.
Walking back to your car from the burger and beer stand that is equidistant to the four of you is when the sadness creeps up. You’re driving home, happy to get to your lady or guy, but deep down, you experience a sinking feeling. Is this what it’s like to grow up? Is this what being an adult is supposed to be? Why were we all so tired? Why didn’t we have anything to talk about? These are the thoughts that plague many men at this stage of their adult lives, and unfortunately, many men accept them as truth. When you accept something like that as truth, you no longer fight to make things better, usually resulting in forgetting those friends altogether. So what can be done? We don’t have the time to hang out as much as we used to, and when we do hang out, it seems as though we have nothing to say because it had been so freaking long since we hung out? Is there any way I can salvage my social life with the people that meant everything to me before I met my romantic “everything”? Surprisingly enough, video games can serve as a social savior, assuring that you never have to have that sad, final lunch.
Players Ruining the Game
Unfortunately, many men have allowed excessive video games to ruin their relationship, giving the pastime a bad name and making all men who play them look bad in the process. We’ve all read news stories of men who became addicted to video games to the point of where they completely neglected their spouse or children, but this is a problem with the consumer, not the product. If you do anything more than what is considered a healthy amount, it is going to hurt you as well as the ones around you. Gentlemen, if your S.O. is against you playing games because he/she had a friend who’s relationship fell apart because their S.O. couldn’t balance the needs of their real life partner with their co-op partner, try having a talk with her—or better yet, show her this article.
Through the advent of the internet, video games have allowed for social interaction and inclusion with people all over the globe. Yes, you can play an online tennis match or golf tournament with someone who doesn’t even speak your language, but something that is severely understated is how games can keep you socially close with your once physically close buddies. For an hour or so a night, you and your friends can bond the way you used to; making observations, cracking jokes, and giving each other an innocently hard time about something they said or did in the past. All you need is a game that you all like, a somewhat decent internet connection, and a cheap headset. With these, you can be in the same room without actually being in the same room.
“Give Me SOMETHING!”
Now, some people may argue that this can easily be done over video chat through Zoom or some other service, which is true, but what many people don’t know about men is that most of us can’t simply “talk” to each other without having some kind of objective or “thing” to do. That’s why you see guys bonding over golf or watching a football game; it provides something to work with, creating the conversation. Sadly, we aren’t as creative or patient as women when it comes to our conversation skills—we can’t just pick up the phone and talk about nothing, for most of the time we have nothing to say. This was evident with the beer and burger lunch from before. When we sit at a table, our eyes are constantly darting towards some type of stimulus in the form of our phones, a plate of food, or a television screen playing something we recognize. “I’ve never been a fan of that cereal” or “Ha! That guy got kicked in the nuts,” are classic conversation starters, but we need to see the cereal or the unfortunate victim first.
“Reset” Expectations
With video games, you and your friends can truly work together to complete a common goal, whether it’s conquering an enemy base, scoring a winning touchdown, or telling a thirteen-year-old that he sucks. These virtual goals actually create a sense of bonding and teamwork that isn’t necessarily present in real life, which in turn makes your relationship with them even stronger than before. Of course, as mentioned before, be considerate. If your S.O. needs your help in the kitchen or the bedroom, simply tell the guys that you are needed elsewhere and that’s probably a good place to call it for the night. They will agree as they will likely have similar needs to attend to. You can confidently ask, “Same time tomorrow?” Without the stigma of wasting time or money or the fear of ignoring your S.O., because you won’t be ignoring them. Your S.O. will actually be happy that you found a way to truly balance their needs as well as your own, making her/him trust you even more. Your S.O. will also feel confident about themselves as they didn’t allow themselves to become an overbearing killjoy like their friends likely did. In a beautiful way, all parties benefit.
So even if you don’t consider yourself a “gamer” by traditional standards, but you find yourself experiencing the negative thoughts that the burger and beer lunch can provide, consider giving gaming a try. It’s a healthy hobby where nobody gets hurt (at least not in real life), and it can actually provide some normalcy in your life if you are feeling the very real social strain that a relationship can provide. Talk to your S.O. about this idea and allow them to set up a “play time” for you, for this will show that you are still making their needs paramount. I guarantee you that if approached the right way, your S.O. will be truly happy for you. Love is certainly a battlefield, but a digital platoon among friends can help you win both wars.